What Actually Happened

Proverbs 18:13, 17 To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. … In a lawsuit the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines.

1 Samuel 1:12–17 Hannah prays silently in deep anguish while Eli the priest mistakenly accuses her of being drunk. She explains that she is pouring out her soul to the Lord, and Eli blesses her and wishes that God will grant her request.

John 7:45–52 Finally the temple guards went back to the chief priests and the Pharisees, who asked them, "Why didn't you bring him in?" "No one ever spoke the way this man does," the guards replied. "You mean he has deceived you also?" the Pharisees retorted. "Have any of the rulers or of the Pharisees believed in him? No! But this mob that knows nothing of the law—there is a curse on them." Nicodemus, who had gone to Jesus earlier and who was one of their own number, asked, "Does our law condemn a man without first hearing him to find out what he has been doing?" They replied, "Are you from Galilee, too? Look into it, and you will find that a prophet does not come out of Galilee."

Exodus 23:1–2 "Do not spread false reports. Do not help a guilty person by being a malicious witness. Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong. When you give testimony in a lawsuit, do not pervert justice by siding with the crowd…"

Ephesians 6:10–18 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people.

Also referenced: Joshua 22:10–34.

I want to start with a question, and I want you to carry it the whole way through:

What happens when fear becomes more influential than the willingness to understand another person?

I'm not asking that from a textbook. I've lived it. I've been through a season where things I did were described in ways I didn't recognize. Where what I meant and what people said I meant were miles apart. I'm not going to tell you that story here. I'm not sharing this to put anybody on trial. I'm sharing it because what I learned in that season is in God's Word, and I believe it can protect your family the way I wish mine had been protected.

I'll tell you this much: my own conduct in that season was not always ideal. I'll own that. But owning what I did is not the same as agreeing with everything that was said about why I did it. Those are two different things, and the whole sermon lives in the space between them.

There's a line I keep coming back to: what actually happened versus what people say happened. Let's find out why God cares so much about the difference.

And before we start, hear Proverbs 18:17: the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines. That applies to every story you've ever heard about somebody. And it applies to me, telling you this. So examine what I say. Measure it against the Word.

When we talk about "what happened," we usually mash four different things together.

1. The action. What a person physically did.

2. The intended meaning. What that person meant by it. What was in his heart.

3. The perception. What someone else saw, felt, and feared. And a perception can be completely real. A person can be truly frightened. The fear is real even when the threat they feared wasn't.

4. The allegation. What gets said later, written down, passed along, and repeated until nobody calls it an allegation anymore. They just call it what happened.

God shows us all four in one scene. Look at Hannah in 1 Samuel chapter 1.

Hannah goes up to the house of the Lord, and she's broken. She has no child, and she's been mocked for it year after year. She stands there praying, and the Bible says she was praying in her heart. Her lips were moving but her voice was not heard.

That's the action: lips moving, no sound.

The intended meaning: she was pouring out her soul to God.

The perception: Eli the priest is watching, and he thought she was drunk. He wasn't a wicked man. He was the priest. He'd probably seen people come in drunk before. So he read what he saw through what he expected.

And then the allegation, out loud, to her face: How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.

One action. Two completely different meanings. And the priest of God picked the wrong one.

But here's what I love about this story. Hannah answered him. Not so, my lord… I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman. In other words: don't put that label on me.

And Eli listened. He changed his mind. Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him. The very man who accused her ended up blessing her. That's what can happen when somebody is willing to hear.

Now imagine if Eli hadn't listened. Imagine if he'd told the other priests, that woman came in drunk. And they told their families. And ten years later that's what people knew about Hannah. Nobody in that chain would have to be a liar. Each one would just be passing on what the last one said.

That's why Proverbs 18:13 is so sharp: To answer before listening—that is folly and shame. Not just foolish. Shameful. Because when we skip the listening, we fill the gap with something. And very often, what we fill it with is fear.

Let me show you how close a family can come to destroying itself over that gap. Turn to Joshua 22.

The tribes of Reuben, Gad, and half of Manasseh had fought beside their brothers to take the Promised Land. Now they're going home, to their land on the east side of the Jordan. And on the way, they build a great big altar by the river.

That's the action.

The rest of Israel hears about it. And they read it the worst possible way. An altar? That must mean rebellion. They're turning from the Lord. They're starting their own religion. And the Bible says the whole congregation gathered at Shiloh to go to war against them.

Think about that. Brothers who had just bled side by side, ready to go to war, over an assumption.

But they did one thing right. Before they attacked, they sent Phinehas the priest and ten leaders to go and talk to them. And they didn't go gently. They came with the accusation already in their mouths: How could you break faith with the God of Israel like this?

And the eastern tribes answered: The Mighty One, God, the LORD! … He knows! And let Israel know! God knows our hearts. And then they explained. This altar isn't for sacrifice. It's a witness. We were afraid that someday your children would say to our children, You have no share in the LORD. We built it so our children would never be cut off from yours.

Do you hear that? What looked like rebellion was actually a fear of being cut off from the family. The very thing the accusers were afraid of was the very thing the accused were trying to prevent.

And Phinehas listened. The Bible says they were pleased. And he said, Today we know that the LORD is with us. War was called off. The family stayed whole. Because somebody went and asked before they struck.

Here's what I want you to see. Somebody can do something that looks bad from where you're standing. It might even be done clumsily, or without explaining it first. That's real, and it's worth talking about. But it doesn't mean the worst story you can tell about it is the true one.

And I'll say it about myself plainly: my conduct was not always ideal. That does not make every threat and intention that was put on me accurate. Both of those things can be true at the same time. And until we can hold both of those at once, we'll keep gathering at Shiloh for war against our own brothers.

Why did Eli see a drunk woman? Why did Israel see rebellion? Because they already had a frame in their minds before they ever looked.

Here's what I've come to understand. Once a label gets put on a person, it becomes the lens. Everything that person does after that gets looked at through it. A raised voice isn't frustration anymore, it's a threat. A visit isn't a visit, it's an intrusion. A conviction isn't faith, it's a symptom. The label does the interpreting, so nobody has to.

I'll say this as plainly as I can: a label is not a witness. A label can't tell you what a man meant. Only listening can do that.

And here's the trap. When you're being seen through a lens like that, the natural thing is to explain. And explain again. And again. I know that trap from the inside. I desperately thought if I could just write enough, that people would see.

But every word you write arrives through the very lens you're trying to correct. The more you explain, the more it looks like proof. It's like trying to convince somebody you're calm by shouting louder. The explanation gets swallowed by the assumption.

You cannot write your way out of a lens. Somebody on the other side has to be willing to take it off and listen.

Look at John chapter 7. The religious leaders had already decided who Jesus was. The officers they sent to arrest him came back empty-handed and said no man ever spoke like this man. And the leaders answered, You mean he has deceived you also?

Then Nicodemus stood up and asked the right question: Does our law condemn a man without first hearing him to find out what he has been doing?

And watch how they answered him. They didn't answer the question. They answered with a label. Are you from Galilee, too? … A prophet does not come out of Galilee. Where he came from settled it for them. They never had to hear him.

Now don't hear me saying I'm Jesus. I'm not. I'm a man with faults. What I'm saying is that if even the Son of God could be judged by a label before he was heard, it can happen to anybody. In any family. Including yours.

Notice something about every person we've looked at. Eli wasn't wicked. He was the priest. The tribes of Israel weren't wicked. They were zealous for God. They thought they were defending the Lord's honor.

That's how false witness usually works. People bear false witness because they believe that's what's best. They don't have to hate anybody. They don't have to intend harm. And they aren't all driven by fear. Some are worried. Some are trying to protect somebody. Some believe what they were told by a person they trust. Some trust a story because it was written down.

Hearsay doesn't travel on hatred. It travels on trust. Somebody you love tells you something, you pass it on, and you mean well the whole time.

But here's the hard truth. Good intentions do not make an accusation true. And they don't take away our responsibility to find out what actually happened.

Look at Exodus 23. This is God giving his law about justice, about testimony, about what happens when people speak about their neighbor. Verse 1: Do not spread false reports. Do not help a guilty person by being a malicious witness. And verse 2: Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong.

God doesn't only warn the liar. He warns the one who goes along with the crowd. The one who repeats it because everyone's repeating it. God puts the responsibility on every witness, not just on whoever started the story. If you speak about your neighbor, you are responsible for whether it's true.

And I have to hold myself to the same rule, or I'm a hypocrite. If good intentions don't make an accusation true, then my good intentions don't settle everything either. I can mean well and still be misread. I can mean well and still handle something badly. Intentions don't settle the truth in either direction. That's exactly why we have to talk to each other.

And look at our Lord on the cross. Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing (Luke 23:34). Jesus forgave people who did him terrible harm while not understanding what they were doing. He didn't pretend the harm wasn't real. And he didn't need them to be monsters in order to forgive them. Not "it didn't happen." Not "they're evil." But: they didn't know, and I forgive them.

Let me tell you what it was like before that hard season. I was free. I had peace. I had love. I had trust. I had faith, 100% faith in God. My household had turned toward him. We'd put the distractions out of our home. We were listening to God together. People came through my door, and I got to help them with their faith. We were on a very powerful path.

And then what followed shook me. It shook the very trust and faith that had set me free.

So how do I understand that? I'll tell you how I understand it, and I want you to hear that this is my understanding. I believe there is a real spiritual enemy, and that he hates where faith leads. When I look back on that season, I believe he was at work against what God was doing. I didn't see it that way then. I see it that way now.

But hear how I believe he works. Not by turning families into villains. Not by anybody signing up to help him. I believe he works through ordinary human weaknesses. Fear. Assumption. Gossip. Seeking guidance anywhere but God's word. Not going to the person first. Nobody has to consciously cooperate, and nobody has to mean any malice. That's exactly what makes it dangerous. You don't feel it happening. You feel like you're doing the right thing. Just like Eli. Just like Israel at Shiloh.

Now let's read Ephesians 6 carefully, because people use this passage to make enemies out of each other, and it says the opposite. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood. If the battle is spiritual, then the people are not the enemy. Your family is not your enemy. The person who misunderstood you is not your enemy.

And look at the armor Paul describes. It's almost all about how to stand, not how to attack.

- The belt of truth comes first. Truth holds everything else together.

- The breastplate of righteousness. Right living, guarding the heart.

- Feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. Peace. Not war against your own family.

- The shield of faith, to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. An accusation can feel like a flaming arrow. Faith is what keeps it from setting you on fire.

- The helmet of salvation. Knowing whose you are when people say who you are.

- The sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. The only weapon in the list. And it's aimed at lies, not at people.

- And then: always keep on praying for all the Lord's people. All of them. Including the ones who got you wrong.

And there's one more thing I have to say, and it isn't easy. If the enemy can work through other people's weaknesses without them knowing it, then honesty says he can work through mine too. Through how worked up I can get. Through my desperation to be understood. The armor isn't just for me to wear against somebody else. It's for me to wear, period.

1 John 4:18 tells us where this ends: There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. Love drives out fear. And the people who get us wrong are often living in fear themselves. The answer to fear isn't more fear. It's love. It's Jesus.

So what do we do with this? Here's what I believe God asks of every one of us, starting with me.

1. Listen before you judge. Proverbs 18:13: answering before hearing is folly and shame. James 1:19: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Quick to listen. Not quick to conclude. Eli got it wrong at first, but he listened, and it turned an accusation into a blessing.

2. Ask the person concerned. That's Nicodemus's question: does our law condemn a man without first hearing him? It's what Phinehas did at the Jordan. And it's the method Jesus gave us in Matthew 18:15: If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. Go to him. Alone. First. Say, Hey, what's going on with this? Can you explain that? And that verse binds me exactly as much as it binds anyone else.

3. Examine what you repeat. Exodus 23: don't raise a false report, don't follow the crowd. Before you pass a story along, ask yourself: Did I see this? Did I ask the person? Or am I carrying something that was handed to me? Today anybody can type a name into a search bar and pull up whatever was said. What comes up isn't the person. It's what was said about the person. Be careful what you add to that.

4. Correct false accounts. Truthfully. Carefully. Without vengeance. Correction isn't revenge. It's setting the record right so the truth can stand. And Proverbs 18:17 applies to the correction too. Let every side be examined, including your own. A correction that can't stand being examined isn't a correction.

5. Forgive. Jesus said when someone strikes you on one cheek, turn the other. Forgiveness doesn't mean a false record has to stay false. It means you don't carry it as a weapon. Colossians 3:13: Bear with each other and forgive one another… Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

That's my purpose in sharing this. Not to win. To understand. To seek correction. And to help you recognize how deception and division can slip into a family without anybody meaning for it to. If it can happen to mine, it can happen to yours. And if it already has, it's not too late to get the ship righted and get back on the path God wants us to walk.

Let me go back to the question one more time. What happens when fear becomes more influential than the willingness to understand another person?

A priest calls a praying woman a drunk. A nation gathers for war against its own brothers. Families fall into the gap between what happened and what was said. Good people repeat things that aren't true. And a person gets trapped inside a story about him, where the harder he explains, the tighter it holds.

And what happens when we choose understanding instead? When we listen first, ask first, check what we repeat, correct what's false, and forgive? Hannah goes home in peace. The altar stays a witness instead of a battlefield. The family stays whole.

Jesus said, you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:32). And he said, I am the way and the truth and the life (John 14:6). The truth isn't just a set of facts we argue over. The truth is a person. And he's the one who sets us free.

Heavenly Father,

We come before you as people who have been misunderstood, and as people who have misunderstood others. Search our hearts, Lord. Show us where we have answered before we listened. Show us where we've repeated what we never checked. Show us where fear has spoken louder in us than love.

Give us the courage of Nicodemus, to ask, have we heard him? before we judge. Give us the humility of Eli, to change our minds when we've gotten it wrong. Give us the wisdom of Phinehas, to go and ask before we strike.

Lord, we lift up our families to you. Every one of them. Where there has been division, bring healing. Where there has been false witness, bring truth. Where there has been hurt, bring forgiveness, and help us forgive as you have forgiven us. And forgive us where our own actions have caused fear or hurt, even when we meant well.

Gird us with truth. Guard our hearts with righteousness. Put the gospel of peace on our feet. Raise up the shield of faith against every flaming arrow, every lie, every fear. And put your word in our hands, not to strike each other, but to cut through what is false.

Cast out our fear with your perfect love. Heal what has been torn. Bring us back to the path you set us on, walking together, serving you.

In the name of Jesus Christ, who is the truth and who makes us free,

Amen.